2016 Paper 1 (HL) Income Inequality (Part 3)
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This exemplar from May 2016 is a great example for students to use in class. It is adequate in most regards and it is where many of our students begin when they enter the course. They know the basics in how to structure a commentary: introduction, body, conclusion. They know the importance of providing evidence; they quote from the text at hand to help prove their point. Finally, many of them will know how to identify various stylistic features and name them throughout the piece.
However, students often struggle with digging deeper and providing more thoughtful, insightful, in-depth analysis and interpretation backed with precise references to the text.
Comparing and contrasting this exemplar with either this one or this one will show students the difference between an overall grade “5” commentary versus a “7” commentary. It will help them visualize the difference, not just in length, but also in quality between to two responses. You can find the texts used on the exam here and here.
If you decide to compare and contrast two of the commentaries, you might ask your students these four questions:
- What is different about the textual evidence provided in each and why does that matter?
- What do you notice about the analysis after the quotation in each commentary? Which one has more of it and why does that matter?
- What is the difference in how they have shown their knowledge and understanding of the texts?
- Which commentary discusses the effect of the stylistic features in more detail and why?
While comparing and contrasting two pieces of student work is often helpful, you don’t have to. You can use this as a stand-alone commentary. Some of your students will write similar responses to this exemplar. By looking at it in close detail, this commentary provides you the opportunity to discuss how to add, improve, and extend the ideas and analysis presented.
Sample Student Response
In a period of economic fluctuation, each citizen is affected differently. Text C is a poem written by a citizen negatively affected by the economy, whereas text D is an article written by a figure of the 0.01% who benefited from the plummeting economy. This essay will compare and contrast the ways in which these texts discuss the profound effect of the financial divide.
The narrators of texts A and B aim to serve as ambassadors for their economic class. In text A, Carl Sandburg uses singular pronouns for plural pronouns such as “I am the audience” throughout the poem as an epigraph, suggesting the tone of the poem, and to declare his status as a representative of “the workman, the inventor, the maker of the world’s food and clothes.” The pronoun “I” is an allusion to the member of the working class. To enforce his position, using anaphora, Sandburg states, “I am” which is a refrain used in this poem to indicate the pride of his social and economic position. To further emphasize the spectrum of people that Sandburg represents, asyndetic listing is used to separate “the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world’s good and clothes” which calls attention to each individual role and allows the audience to compare these roles, bringing attention to their lack of societal recognition.
Similarly, in text D, Nick Hanauer identifies himself as a representative of the social class he belongs to. The image associated with this article indicates power and prowess as the height of Nick Hanauer, who stands in the foreground, is equated to the height of the buildings, which are in the background. In addition, Hanauer wears glasses which contribute to his anonymity. These techniques used collectively allude to a singular voice speaking on the behalf of many.
However, text C and D direct their message at different audiences. Text C is directed at those who benefitted from the economy, and take advantage of working class people. This text is an acknowledgment of the damage caused by the upper class, which is indicated in the phrase “when I, the people, learn to remember…who robbed me last year, who played me for a fool.” The purpose of this poem is to threaten those who have wronged him. The metaphor, “terrible storms have passed over me” is used to further emphasize the carnage caused by the wealthy, who “robbed’ the speaker, and therefore the people. In addition, Sandburg uses cacophonous words such as “spatter” and onomatopoeic words like “growl” to express his disgust for his treatment.
On the contract, Nick Hanauer directs his arguments towards member of a similar economic and social stance, namely the “plurocrats.” This sense of inclusion is a product of the use of synthetic personalization. He uses pronouns such as “we” and “our” and in addition uses colloquial diction in order to allow his audience to identify with him. The article he has written takes the form of a plea for the purpose of persuading those of the upper class to reduce the gap between the wealthy and the poor. This argument uses telegraphic sentences such as “It won’t last” in order to capture the direct attention of his audience. The short sentences provide a stark, abrupt effect on the audience. This argument also uses logos in the form of statistics when we writes “today the top 1 percent share about 20 percent [of the U.S. national income]; the bottom 50 percent, just 12 percent. He appeals to the logic of his audience here. In combination, the pitchfork is a symbol of protest and links with his reference to the 18th century French revolution. Nick Hahauer attempts to not only warn his people, but explain why they may be targeted.
In conclusion, it is the context of texts A and B that binds these two texts together even though they are narrated by representatives of two opposite perspectives from two separate periods of economic recession.
Examiner's Comments
Before reading the examiner's comments, decide on the grade yourself using the grading criteria found here. Compare and contrast your marks with the examiner's marks.
Criterion A - Understanding of the text - 5 marks
The analysis of the text should show an understanding of the text's purpose, its context (where this can be deduced) and a target audience. One's analysis of the text needs to be supported by relevant examples from the text.
3 out of 5: There are some insightful comments. The commentary is also concise. However, there is not enough depth to the claims to award higher than adequate in this criterion. More discussion of each quotation would also benefit the candidate.
Criterion B - Understanding of the use and effects of stylistic features- 5 marks
The analysis of the text must show an awareness of how stylistic features, such as tone, style and structure, are used to construct meaning. A good analysis comments on effects of these features on its target audience.
3 out of 5: The candidate names several linguistic and stylistic features in the text. The discussion of their effect is only adequate though. There isn't a detailed understanding of the effects.
Criterion C - Organization and development - 5 marks
The analysis must contain coherent arguments that are well-developed. The analysis must be organized effectively.
3 out of 5: This is a standard commentary. There are 6 total paragraphs. Links are made between them. There's a clear introduction and a very short conclusion. It doesn't move beyond adequate though in terms of developing the argument.
Criterion D - Language - 5 marks
The language of the analysis must be clear, varied and accurate. The register of the analysis must be appropriate, meaning it contains formal sentence structure, good choice of words and effective terminology.
4 out of 5: The register and style are accurate and appropriate for a comparative commentary while the language is clear.